Sunday, November 14, 2010

Learning to make peace with my body...

So, as the title of this blog says, I'm in the stage of learning to make peace with my body.  Now, I know I should have done this before now, but, believe me, it's easier said than done.  There are many aspects to doing this and I'm seeing that it is not going to be an overnight process.  However, I WILL succeed in learning to love and respect MYSELF.  Today we'll work on Step 1.

Step 1:  I need to stop comparing myself to everyone because it hinders my own success.  This is going to be the hardest step of all for me because I've always BEEN COMPARED to others, even against my will, so it has become force of habit just to do it myself.  I am always worried that I don't look as good as her or her or her...   I know I should just let it roll off my back like water off a duck and it will make for a much happier and healthier future for myself.  It would greatly aid in putting my eating disorders back into remission.  It would just make life all around better for me ~ I know this, but making it happen is the hardest part.  This is why I go to counseling, but I do wonder when he's going to actually HELP me at all.  I think my books and articles are doing more than he is at this point *sigh... 

Back to comparing myself, I think in the world of bariatrics, you see even more comparison than most, sadly.  It shouldn't be like that, but it's a world of weight loss and you seem to always want to be the person who "did the best".  Actually, we all did the best just by saving our lives.  That's the mindset that we should all take and the world would be a happier place.  I'm working on doing my part to not think like that anymore.

More on this long process in my new installment ~ Hope y'all are all still hanging on!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Insight makes the world go 'round ...

So lately, I've been taking a very hard look at myself.  I spend a lot of time analyzing me, who I am, and what the hell is going on in my head.  *Sigh* I give myself headaches (LOL), but I find it worth the time since my insight into who I am has provided me with these conclusions, SO FAR:

(1) I am actually a strong person.  In fact, I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for on most days and I need to work on that.  As my mom and many others have pointed out to me, if I didn't have my faith and my strength, I'd be dead right now.

(2) I do have body image issues and eating disorders that need to be dealt with.  I have a counselor with no experience dealing with these problems and a small town that leaves me with few options, but I am finding my ways.  I have bought books, spent countless hours in research online, talked with friends and anyone who I think might understand ...  I'm getting there, baby step by baby step.

(3) I'm at the conclusion that I would have had a DS and not a RNY had I been given that option.

(4) I thought I was mentally ready 6 years ago for my WLS, but, even after 3+ years of researching and classes and support meetings, I was in no way prepared for the mental effect it had on me.  I realize now that my "fat" had masked a lot of issues that went WAY back before any of the true weight problems.  When I lost the fat, I lost my way of hiding from things.  I think more counseling than I attended before my WLS would have benefitted me tremendously, but it's better late than never to really get a grip on things.

(5) Getting pregnant 2x as a post-op also affected me.  I know I'm so very blessed with my babies, but the mindf*ck that is involved with going back and forth in eating styles did a number on me and I'm still not recovered.  It was also hard to get unexpectedly pregnant after having a TT (tummy tuck) and have to fight every single day to get back the body I had before my last pregnancy.  I will never regret my kids and I know that I would not have them if not for my WLS.

So, now that I've shared a few things I've come to realize, hang on tight ~ there's much more to come!