Saturday, November 13, 2010

Insight makes the world go 'round ...

So lately, I've been taking a very hard look at myself.  I spend a lot of time analyzing me, who I am, and what the hell is going on in my head.  *Sigh* I give myself headaches (LOL), but I find it worth the time since my insight into who I am has provided me with these conclusions, SO FAR:

(1) I am actually a strong person.  In fact, I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for on most days and I need to work on that.  As my mom and many others have pointed out to me, if I didn't have my faith and my strength, I'd be dead right now.

(2) I do have body image issues and eating disorders that need to be dealt with.  I have a counselor with no experience dealing with these problems and a small town that leaves me with few options, but I am finding my ways.  I have bought books, spent countless hours in research online, talked with friends and anyone who I think might understand ...  I'm getting there, baby step by baby step.

(3) I'm at the conclusion that I would have had a DS and not a RNY had I been given that option.

(4) I thought I was mentally ready 6 years ago for my WLS, but, even after 3+ years of researching and classes and support meetings, I was in no way prepared for the mental effect it had on me.  I realize now that my "fat" had masked a lot of issues that went WAY back before any of the true weight problems.  When I lost the fat, I lost my way of hiding from things.  I think more counseling than I attended before my WLS would have benefitted me tremendously, but it's better late than never to really get a grip on things.

(5) Getting pregnant 2x as a post-op also affected me.  I know I'm so very blessed with my babies, but the mindf*ck that is involved with going back and forth in eating styles did a number on me and I'm still not recovered.  It was also hard to get unexpectedly pregnant after having a TT (tummy tuck) and have to fight every single day to get back the body I had before my last pregnancy.  I will never regret my kids and I know that I would not have them if not for my WLS.

So, now that I've shared a few things I've come to realize, hang on tight ~ there's much more to come!


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